a refurnishing of a prior work


When I was 17 I thought I wasn’t anything at all. My name was nothing.
When I was 27 I thought I was all that. My name was everything.
Now I am 57. I am not that at all.
My name is Lantern of Green.
When I was 17 I was so small and empty.
When I was 27 I worked on my muscles and filled my brain.
Now I am 57. My muscles shrank and my brain leaks.

I was so filled with conviction at 27. Now I am being filled with compassion.

I found Christ at 17. So much joy and acceptance.
At 27 I forgot that. Then so much to prove. Now I just want to leave a legacy.
When I was 17, still frail but found love.
When I was 27, so strong, so proud. I strayed from grace.
At 37 I thought I was on top of my game. That was going to change quick.
The midway point between these 27 and 57 was when my body gave out on me.

That was 17 years ago. It was a beginning of so much realized.
Power made perfect in weakness.
Beauty in brokenness.
At 47 I was afraid of leaving.
In death, deserting my loved ones.
Mortality is a strong teacher.
It is my altar of surrender and my meeting place with His Grace.
I love life.
I love living, reflecting, interacting, breathing.

I have hope, joy, peace, love.
And they remain with me, not fleeting like at 17.

Though I am so confined, I am so free.
I use to not love life very much.
I worried. I despaired. I competed. I compared.
I did love. I just couldn’t keep it. I felt this at 17 and 27.
I had joy, peace and even hope before.
The difference is I couldn’t seem to hold onto it.
They seeped through my fingers, leaked through my cracks.

At 17 Grace came like rain. But my container didn’t hold.
At the end I felt empty.
That’s the difference between then and now.
I can contain these, hold them – joy, peace, hope, love.
They stay with me more.

And things such as sadness and fear can exist with joy and hope.

At 27 feelings, they competed with each other. Now many times they work together.
I have less now but hold onto more.
I had more then but held onto less.
The journey with Jesus on one hand brought healing to my container so I can hold onto what’s poured into me.

On the other hand the journey of grace brought sacredness to broken places so I no longer need to strive.

The rain simply comes.

Return me to the freedom of a child and move me forward to the wisdom of the aged.
This is what God has been doing to me.