October 2013


Another video I am posting after figuring out how to.

face_on_hands_by_xbluenature-d5it3o4He works on defining us. We define ourselves through Him

A new video on youtube I wrote and my wife drew. It is for my upcoming retreat talk this weekend.

a refurnishing of a prior work


When I was 17 I thought I wasn’t anything at all. My name was nothing.
When I was 27 I thought I was all that. My name was everything.
Now I am 57. I am not that at all.
My name is Lantern of Green.
When I was 17 I was so small and empty.
When I was 27 I worked on my muscles and filled my brain.
Now I am 57. My muscles shrank and my brain leaks.

I was so filled with conviction at 27. Now I am being filled with compassion.

I found Christ at 17. So much joy and acceptance.
At 27 I forgot that. Then so much to prove. Now I just want to leave a legacy.
When I was 17, still frail but found love.
When I was 27, so strong, so proud. I strayed from grace.
At 37 I thought I was on top of my game. That was going to change quick.
The midway point between these 27 and 57 was when my body gave out on me.

That was 17 years ago. It was a beginning of so much realized.
Power made perfect in weakness.
Beauty in brokenness.
At 47 I was afraid of leaving.
In death, deserting my loved ones.
Mortality is a strong teacher.
It is my altar of surrender and my meeting place with His Grace.
I love life.
I love living, reflecting, interacting, breathing.

I have hope, joy, peace, love.
And they remain with me, not fleeting like at 17.

Though I am so confined, I am so free.
I use to not love life very much.
I worried. I despaired. I competed. I compared.
I did love. I just couldn’t keep it. I felt this at 17 and 27.
I had joy, peace and even hope before.
The difference is I couldn’t seem to hold onto it.
They seeped through my fingers, leaked through my cracks.

At 17 Grace came like rain. But my container didn’t hold.
At the end I felt empty.
That’s the difference between then and now.
I can contain these, hold them – joy, peace, hope, love.
They stay with me more.

And things such as sadness and fear can exist with joy and hope.

At 27 feelings, they competed with each other. Now many times they work together.
I have less now but hold onto more.
I had more then but held onto less.
The journey with Jesus on one hand brought healing to my container so I can hold onto what’s poured into me.

On the other hand the journey of grace brought sacredness to broken places so I no longer need to strive.

The rain simply comes.

Return me to the freedom of a child and move me forward to the wisdom of the aged.
This is what God has been doing to me.


I was paid a “compliment” when someone told me after speaking on brokenness that people can receive it because I am such a masculine dude. I wondered what he meant? (yes it came from a man not a woman). That retreat I spoke with many tears, told of power made perfect in weakness and led with my heart freely.

So what does being a masculine dude mean? I have all these images of my youth stream through my head from John Wayne to Zatoichi. And what difference did that make in this man’s mind to the reception of the audience regarding my words on brokenness? I was funny at times. I don’t remember mentioning sports or scratching myself in inappropriate manners. Hmmm. I did challenge. I talked at times firmly.

I think it was that perhaps for the first time in many of the people watching and listening to me they noticed a man broken but not falling apart. They saw strength, heard conviction and felt compassion. Maybe it was one of the few if only times they saw someone who led out of the weak places but not appearing one down and defeated. Hmmm.

Tough and tender doen’t usually mix in the image of the masculine. I am grateful that I am a bit of an enigma to some. I trust that is the mysterious work of Christ’s grace within me.

and by far God is not finished with me yet.


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