When I was 27 I thought I was all that. Now I am 57. I am not that at all.
When I was 27 I worked on my muscles and filled my brain. Now I am 57. My muscles shrank and my brain leaks.
I was so filled with conviction. Now I am being filled with compassion.
Then so much to prove. Now I just want to leave a legacy.

The midway point between these two period was when my body gave out on me.
That was 17 years ago. It was a beginning of so much realized.

I love life.
I love living, reflecting, interacting, breathing.
I have hope, joy, peace, love.
And they remain with me, not fleeting like before.
Though I am so confined, I am so free.

I use to not love life very much.
I worried. I despaired. I competed. I compared.
I did love. I had joy, peace and even hope before.
The difference is I couldn’t seem to hold onto it.
They seeped through my fingers, leaked through my cracks.
Grace came like rain. But my container didn’t hold.
At the end I felt empty.

That’s the difference between then and now.
I can contain these, hold them – joy, peace, hope, love.
They stay with me more.
And things such as sadness and fear can exist with joy and hope.
Before they competed with each other. Now many times they work together.

I have less now but hold onto more.
I had more then but held onto less.

The journey with Jesus on one hand brought healing to my container so I can hold onto what’s poured into me.
On the other hand the journey of grace brought sacredness to broken places so I no longer need to strive.
The rain simply comes.
Return me to the freedom of a child and move me forward to the wisdom of the aged.

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